ramblings of a late night nurse

I can't believe it- on the cusp of two more semesters and I'm done school. Friends are expecting babies, are getting married, have been married already for a couple of years. Others buying homes- settling into places. It's all so strange isn't it? I work with patients at the hospital who have lived a lifetime- are in their 90's and I feel not so different from them. I'm on the verge of the end of my life myself aren't I? Do they not believe they too are youthful like I am? That they haven't aged a bit although their body shows otherwise? Life just goes so fast- soooo fast. We don't think about death a lot but I do more and more lately because it is reality. We think we have all the time in the world- time to travel, time to work, time to have children....time to be with God and live a life that is meaningful. But then time passes and you wonder what you did with all of that time- and how fast another 20 years will go. Call me fatalistic but I sit and talk with patients and the reality of one's own mortality is shocking- even to an 80 year old...you mean, death happens to us all???? And death still is- awful, horrid, dreaded. What if I didn't have hope that there is more? What then would be the point of it all? Do you even recall, at that age- all of your own accomplishments, all of the glories, all of the things done and seen? Or do you just recognize your own self- your character and how you have either grown or stayed stagnant and immovable. I am glad for hope and am realizing over and over again how little things we do matter- but how much they matter at the same time. The things we do are the vehicle of our growth are the environments of our relationships. Yet at the end of the day- it is our growth and our relationships that really matter- the rest is forgotten, unimportant. I hope i grow until the end and then, like a 97 year old I know from the hospital- still remain ever curious about life and take on each new challenge with a smile- knowing that I'm not finished until God calls me home. And until then- I'll indulge in the best and worst parts of life so that I am ever changed to be more like Christ Himself.
yup. this officially made no sense- but it's 2 am and well....yeah.

i want to sleep.

ugh. 12:44 am...usually my peak hour. I get this wave of energy past midnight that can keep me up for hours- fiddling, antsy, energetic- seriously bouncing across the room. But not tonight. I worked two 12 hour shifts at the hospital and woke up at 5 am this morning. I get to try and attempt the 12 hour night shift tomorrow (or should I say today?) night- but have no clue how to change my system over. Here's what I figure- stay up as LATE as possible after my second day shift and then sleep as late as possible through the next day. Does that seem stupid or what? Hmmmm but napping is just not my thing. Although...that way I may get more done. Now all I'm doing is wasting time- writing on blogs and well, just existing at night time. I'm hitting up a movie in a moment.

It just hit me- this is the most normal blog I've posted. Blah blah- everyday life. But these are the sorts of things I'm working on- being a nurse and trying to figure out how my body works into that whole career. Funny how nurses expend all of themselves on making others better- but don't have enough time to sleep, don't exercise, and eat all the junk food and candy given us by well-meaning patients and their families. Backwards.

Not sure I'm liking this lonely hour of wasting time, with my eyelids sagging to the keyboard- but forcing myself to stay awake so I can sleep more. Sounds illogical to me-even at this late hour.

Time

Time is the most elusive, sought after and loathed enemy in my life. It’s absence provokes frustration and panic in me. I search for it, dwell on it, and give excuses by it. I live moment by moment, taught to fill each one to capacity- one more thing to squeeze in, one more chore. Each morning I am reminded how bound I am to time, chained to it. It never ceases to pound me into the ground. It is ingrained in me to be fruitful, to fill every second with increasingly productive tasks, efficiency and prudency. People look at me sometimes and comment- how fast I walk, how fast I talk, how fast I type- how fast I do everything. Because time hunts me down and I find myself running from it each waking moment. I do not know how to wait. I do not know how to sit because even sitting I pick up work to do. Is it just for my pride? My glory that I keep up with the world? And then, I glance at another who is not as frantic, who lingers and I do not understand. How useless! How careless! Surely they could do more! But it's because I wish, I long to be able to rest like they do. But I cannot wait long before it starts to eat me up- before I start to feel useless, purposeless, afraid of the reality that time has passed and I have not done anything worth anything. How can I rest God? You ask for a day of my seven, a whole day to rest, to refresh, to linger. But God- that is the scariest, the hardest thing I could do- ever. Because rest is unproductive, uncreative, and not noteworthy. Now I know you must have known from the beginning, how it would be today. From the beginning you created that Sabbath day, you rested because you knew that we would only move faster and faster. Now, would you teach me how to rest- because even rest- I can do quickly and productively. That requires a trust of you, that I am afraid I do not have most of the time.

insta-isolation?

How can this be? I am currently typing on a blog, checkng e-mail, updating a facebook, and signed into msn...yet how can I feel completely alone? In a world, a generation of instant communication, does it ever feel just distanced? Do I know, really, what is going on in others' lives? Does anyone really know what is going on in mine? The bulk of online communciation seems superficial in some respects...but not in others. It seems like my immediate circle of friends, the ones I can see, touch, talk to face to face- are so few compared to this network of people around the world, with whom I have shared so many memories with. But I miss that face to face, laughing your head off type relationships. And we wonder how people end up lonely, isolated, battling sins and demons and end up in psychiatric wards with depression...popping pills and drugs. Was this how it was meant to be? I spend more time talking to family on the phone and e-mail than seeing them in person, and they are simply a car ride away. I live 2 blocks from my grandfather but have yet to visit him...I spend more time trying to explain what I meant in an e-mail than getting to know people in person. And now, here I am, writing about this phenomenon online- rather than discussing this at a bath house with other Greek Scholars. What has this world come to? hmm

on the fringe...

We decided a wild night was in order...neither of us had a rebellious stage so we threw aside our innocent looks and hit the town. Gone were the khakis and soft smiles of once known "Jason" and "Shannon." Enter "butch" and "noir"...











Butch had a run in with a fist early in the night though... man, why can't he just control his temper? He just stirs up trouble... that rogue.



I just can't resist dark men- not sure what it is but they're just so...dangerous. Like Butch's tattoo and chain? hot.













Real story?
Value village finds: $75.00
Halloween theme: How to lose a date in 10 minutes
Having people you don't even know avoid you because you and your husband "intimidate them":

PRICELESS

what's white is black, what's black is white

So much I'm learning right now. It's like my eyes are opened wide to the reality around me. Currently I am working in Mental health- it makes sense, but it's awful- that not only would the sinfulness of the world affect our bodies, but our minds too. It's insane (poor choice of words, but no other word to choose) when you look at statistics and notice the pervasiveness of mental illness in our culture. How can this be? So many people depressed, losing their minds and so discriminated against, so stigmatized that they end up on the streets? Downtown vancouver is the picture of that- homelessness has gone rampant. Housing has been bulldozed down for Olympic athletes and those who lived there are back on the street. How does it all make sense? Some people develop these illnesses and I wonder, how many of them, if they had someone to love them, to see them, to grant them a purpose and introduce them to Christ, would walk away from mental illness? So many wounds that people carry, anxiety, stress, horrible situations where they were treated so wrongly...no wonder they become psychotic. Without Christ- would that not befall us all? I know, I know- science, biology, yadda yadda- there are some cases where it is certainly biological, but what if....what if we unspiritualize that which is spiritual? I can't describe what it's like seeing a psychiatric ward in a hospital- or the site of the "confinement" rooms. I've never felt so horrible, never been filled with such compassion but naiveness, as I felt seeing these wings- so bleak. No hope lives there. And then J and I go to this Sudan event where we hear about the crises of the people of Sudan...the executions of thousands upon thousands, and the horrible sites and sounds that children, women, all people have been exposed to. How can I not laugh at some of our own qualms and anxieties here in comparison...but at the same time- our disease is different. Our problems are seemingly huge here- but what about there? This world is so sick with pain and suffering. I just haven't opened my eyes to see it. Lots to think about.

photo update

It's been awhile since I've posted- so I thought I'd put up some pics from our summer...a photo shoot that J and I had in Ontario from his sis. We just celebrated our first year anniversary- by giving ourselves a kick in the pants. We went to a marriage conference which was really good, but hard at the same time. It's insane how fast you develop bad habits and patterns, even in one year of marriage! That's pretty much all that's new for the most part...more to come.