My Genesis

ramblings of a late night nurse

2007-01-07T01:48:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it- on the cusp of two more semesters and I'm done school. Friends are expecting babies, are getting married, have been married already for a couple of years. Others buying homes- settling into places. It's all so strange isn't it? I work with patients at the hospital who have lived a lifetime- are in their 90's and I feel not so different from them. I'm on the verge of the end of my life myself aren't I? Do they not believe they too are youthful like I am? That they haven't aged a bit although their body shows otherwise? Life just goes so fast- soooo fast. We don't think about death a lot but I do more and more lately because it is reality. We think we have all the time in the world- time to travel, time to work, time to have children....time to be with God and live a life that is meaningful. But then time passes and you wonder what you did with all of that time- and how fast another 20 years will go. Call me fatalistic but I sit and talk with patients and the reality of one's own mortality is shocking- even to an 80 year old...you mean, death happens to us all???? And death still is- awful, horrid, dreaded. What if I didn't have hope that there is more? What then would be the point of it all? Do you even recall, at that age- all of your own accomplishments, all of the glories, all of the things done and seen? Or do you just recognize your own self- your character and how you have either grown or stayed stagnant and immovable. I am glad for hope and am realizing over and over again how little things we do matter- but how much they matter at the same time. The things we do are the vehicle of our growth are the environments of our relationships. Yet at the end of the day- it is our growth and our relationships that really matter- the rest is forgotten, unimportant. I hope i grow until the end and then, like a 97 year old I know from the hospital- still remain ever curious about life and take on each new challenge with a smile- knowing that I'm not finished until God calls me home. And until then- I'll indulge in the best and worst parts of life so that I am ever changed to be more like Christ Himself.
yup. this officially made no sense- but it's 2 am and well....yeah.

i want to sleep.

2006-12-29T00:45:00.000-08:00

ugh. 12:44 am...usually my peak hour. I get this wave of energy past midnight that can keep me up for hours- fiddling, antsy, energetic- seriously bouncing across the room. But not tonight. I worked two 12 hour shifts at the hospital and woke up at 5 am this morning. I get to try and attempt the 12 hour night shift tomorrow (or should I say today?) night- but have no clue how to change my system over. Here's what I figure- stay up as LATE as possible after my second day shift and then sleep as late as possible through the next day. Does that seem stupid or what? Hmmmm but napping is just not my thing. Although...that way I may get more done. Now all I'm doing is wasting time- writing on blogs and well, just existing at night time. I'm hitting up a movie in a moment.

It just hit me- this is the most normal blog I've posted. Blah blah- everyday life. But these are the sorts of things I'm working on- being a nurse and trying to figure out how my body works into that whole career. Funny how nurses expend all of themselves on making others better- but don't have enough time to sleep, don't exercise, and eat all the junk food and candy given us by well-meaning patients and their families. Backwards.

Not sure I'm liking this lonely hour of wasting time, with my eyelids sagging to the keyboard- but forcing myself to stay awake so I can sleep more. Sounds illogical to me-even at this late hour.

Time

2006-12-15T16:21:00.000-08:00

Time is the most elusive, sought after and loathed enemy in my life. It’s absence provokes frustration and panic in me. I search for it, dwell on it, and give excuses by it. I live moment by moment, taught to fill each one to capacity- one more thing to squeeze in, one more chore. Each morning I am reminded how bound I am to time, chained to it. It never ceases to pound me into the ground. It is ingrained in me to be fruitful, to fill every second with increasingly productive tasks, efficiency and prudency. People look at me sometimes and comment- how fast I walk, how fast I talk, how fast I type- how fast I do everything. Because time hunts me down and I find myself running from it each waking moment. I do not know how to wait. I do not know how to sit because even sitting I pick up work to do. Is it just for my pride? My glory that I keep up with the world? And then, I glance at another who is not as frantic, who lingers and I do not understand. How useless! How careless! Surely they could do more! But it's because I wish, I long to be able to rest like they do. But I cannot wait long before it starts to eat me up- before I start to feel useless, purposeless, afraid of the reality that time has passed and I have not done anything worth anything. How can I rest God? You ask for a day of my seven, a whole day to rest, to refresh, to linger. But God- that is the scariest, the hardest thing I could do- ever. Because rest is unproductive, uncreative, and not noteworthy. Now I know you must have known from the beginning, how it would be today. From the beginning you created that Sabbath day, you rested because you knew that we would only move faster and faster. Now, would you teach me how to rest- because even rest- I can do quickly and productively. That requires a trust of you, that I am afraid I do not have most of the time.

insta-isolation?

2006-11-10T17:27:00.000-08:00

How can this be? I am currently typing on a blog, checkng e-mail, updating a facebook, and signed into msn...yet how can I feel completely alone? In a world, a generation of instant communication, does it ever feel just distanced? Do I know, really, what is going on in others' lives? Does anyone really know what is going on in mine? The bulk of online communciation seems superficial in some respects...but not in others. It seems like my immediate circle of friends, the ones I can see, touch, talk to face to face- are so few compared to this network of people around the world, with whom I have shared so many memories with. But I miss that face to face, laughing your head off type relationships. And we wonder how people end up lonely, isolated, battling sins and demons and end up in psychiatric wards with depression...popping pills and drugs. Was this how it was meant to be? I spend more time talking to family on the phone and e-mail than seeing them in person, and they are simply a car ride away. I live 2 blocks from my grandfather but have yet to visit him...I spend more time trying to explain what I meant in an e-mail than getting to know people in person. And now, here I am, writing about this phenomenon online- rather than discussing this at a bath house with other Greek Scholars. What has this world come to? hmm

on the fringe...

2006-11-05T22:26:00.000-08:00

We decided a wild night was in order...neither of us had a rebellious stage so we threw aside our innocent looks and hit the town. Gone were the khakis and soft smiles of once known "Jason" and "Shannon." Enter "butch" and "noir"...

Butch had a run in with a fist early in the night though... man, why can't he just control his temper? He just stirs up trouble... that rogue.

I just can't resist dark men- not sure what it is but they're just so...dangerous. Like Butch's tattoo and chain? hot.

Real story?
Value village finds: $75.00
Halloween theme: How to lose a date in 10 minutes
Having people you don't even know avoid you because you and your husband "intimidate them":

PRICELESS

what's white is black, what's black is white

2006-10-28T18:03:00.000-07:00

So much I'm learning right now. It's like my eyes are opened wide to the reality around me. Currently I am working in Mental health- it makes sense, but it's awful- that not only would the sinfulness of the world affect our bodies, but our minds too. It's insane (poor choice of words, but no other word to choose) when you look at statistics and notice the pervasiveness of mental illness in our culture. How can this be? So many people depressed, losing their minds and so discriminated against, so stigmatized that they end up on the streets? Downtown vancouver is the picture of that- homelessness has gone rampant. Housing has been bulldozed down for Olympic athletes and those who lived there are back on the street. How does it all make sense? Some people develop these illnesses and I wonder, how many of them, if they had someone to love them, to see them, to grant them a purpose and introduce them to Christ, would walk away from mental illness? So many wounds that people carry, anxiety, stress, horrible situations where they were treated so wrongly...no wonder they become psychotic. Without Christ- would that not befall us all? I know, I know- science, biology, yadda yadda- there are some cases where it is certainly biological, but what if....what if we unspiritualize that which is spiritual? I can't describe what it's like seeing a psychiatric ward in a hospital- or the site of the "confinement" rooms. I've never felt so horrible, never been filled with such compassion but naiveness, as I felt seeing these wings- so bleak. No hope lives there. And then J and I go to this Sudan event where we hear about the crises of the people of Sudan...the executions of thousands upon thousands, and the horrible sites and sounds that children, women, all people have been exposed to. How can I not laugh at some of our own qualms and anxieties here in comparison...but at the same time- our disease is different. Our problems are seemingly huge here- but what about there? This world is so sick with pain and suffering. I just haven't opened my eyes to see it. Lots to think about.

photo update

2006-10-20T01:11:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've posted- so I thought I'd put up some pics from our summer...a photo shoot that J and I had in Ontario from his sis. We just celebrated our first year anniversary- by giving ourselves a kick in the pants. We went to a marriage conference which was really good, but hard at the same time. It's insane how fast you develop bad habits and patterns, even in one year of marriage! That's pretty much all that's new for the most part...more to come.

final four, cause this is taking too much time

2006-09-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

Mo and I attacking the wedding cake at the Hu and Im wedding....we couldn't help ourselves, no one was eating it!

Quebec city roooooooaaaaaad trip with Andrea. French food, french people, french city, just a good-ol-french time! I loved it!

We biked to this falls. It was high and cool. And french also.

And the piece de resistance- Quebec city, the old ville at night. C'est magnifique!

Only 4 pics per post??? Drat.

2006-09-02T23:25:00.000-07:00

Montreal. It's nice. Wish we could live there! We made a side visit to see the 'ville' and the Smits. mmmm Latte's made at the Smits...

He he. baby smits. Matthew- what a cutie.

Camping with J's fam. His sister at the beeee-autiful sunset over Charleston lake. Postcard quality we think.

Yay! Carleton re-union. Who's that guy in the middle? Okay ladies, the man in the middle is S-I-N-G-L-E.....look at his nice fashion sense. He likes long walks, country music, likes to read and dances like a 'git'. he he Darren- that's for you.

fantastic fotos

2006-09-02T23:09:00.000-07:00

Yay! I discovered how to post pictures (with the help of my super-fantastic-techie-hubby's help). SO here are a few pictures from the Ontario trip....a week of cottaging with Jason's extended, extended family, a visit to Montreal which ended with a grand finale of a parking ticket, camping at a lake with his immediate family, the Hu and Im wedding and Crusade reunion of sorts, and than a road trip to Quebec city...woohoo!

Jason's cousins, the whole lot of them (notice the color coordinating of sorts for different families?)....makes me think "where's waldo?" Or en francais- "ou est Charlie." he he

Yes- it's true- Jason DOES relax sometimes! (Canoeing at the cottage)

Don't we have the CUTEST nephew in the world? Kellon and unkle Jason

"hold that pose" Kellon asleep in my arms-don't be fooled folks, this was not as easy of a pose to get as it looks (camping with Jason's fam).

home sweet home

2006-08-31T16:27:00.000-07:00

Dare I say it? I am glad to be home. After lots of camping, cottaging, visiting, and conversing...I am thankful to be here in B.C. again. It's almost as if God has given me the freedom once again to be excited about being here, now, in B.C., and in this stage of my life. As I walked through the door into our little home- the ceilings didn't seem as low as I had remembered, the floors weren't as slanted, the windows not as small as I had once thought. In fact, it felt warm and perfectly suiting for now in my life. As I walked around today, puttered, and bought some groceries etc- New Westminster did not seem so lonely or drab. Little things jumped out at me- such as the fact that a little produce market, only a short walk away, is becoming a frequent favorite, as well as the little natural foods store beside it. The elderly folk seem cuter than I remember and the neighborhoods a little more quaint. I am thankful for the fact that I came home to a companion, that I have somewhere to be next tuesday for school....I am thankful that I am here. It's taken me awhile to say that. Thank you all you friends, our discussions, our shared tears- in Ontario, it was a well needed refreshment to face and now get excited about THIS stage of my life and THIS place in which I call my home.

one of the valuable

2006-08-13T00:09:00.000-07:00

Value. What is the value, the worth of a person? What is MY worth? The world's standards suggest one must be a little bit faster than the rest, a little smarter, a little more fashionable, a little richer....the list goes on and on. The value of a person is socially determined, and individually determined. We all seem to have someone, something we're striving to be like. I am caught among the throng. We need to be valuable to someone, we need to be loved by someone. Oh no- but God's love has to be, IS the greatest equalizer of us all. Of the entire human race. But, in the absence of Him in this world, as it was before the fall, we seek that value in each other (see the book: "Searching for God Knows What"). Not one of us is more valuable to God than another, not one. Yet this world lives off of trying to be more valuable than another....stores, services, clothing, cars, everything is about how valuable one appears to another. But with God, there are no contests, no qualifiers, no 'bests' or favorites of His. Too often I look around for my value? "She's better looking than me, she's better dressed, I should be more fit like so-and-so, I wish I had more faith like her..." There will always be another to strive to be like, to impress and to set ourselves above or set ourselves under...but this striving is what creates envy, boasting, greed, discrimination, stereotyping....what makes us fight, war against, criticize and racialize each other. When we speak of world peace, the only way to have peace among each other, as it will be one day in heaven, is for each of us to be firm, at rest, content in God's love for us all. Why compare when no one is more valuable, less valuable in His eyes. But not until heaven will this be the case. Until then, we will struggle. We will struggle against the standards on this earth and how far they are, and will remain, from His standards. But...as a local band we know likes to say, "now to live the life." It's one thing to know this, but how then do I live out as one who does not need to compare, not even among Christians, but just live as one who is loved, valued, no more or less than the next person, but valuable enough? When will I see myself as one of the valuable?

Sigh. Summer.

2006-08-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

VACATION ROCKS! Yippee. So finals are done and hallelujah they were not as traumatic as I thought. It's funny though, I did not do the intense studying I had thought... by the third exam I had just hit the wall. I ended up walking around Vancouver aimlessly for awhile, eating ice cream and watching three hours of dvds. he he. I figured my brain would start losing information at the rate it was obtaining it so I quit studying. The tactic worked so well, it may well be my new study plan.

Now I am working- for fun. No kidding! I work at this bakery downtown where I get to smell baked goods all day, have as much coffee as I want, meet interesting people in the most expensive place to live in Vancouver, and yup, wear flour for fun! And- no way, I get paid for it too??!! Including peoples' generous tips.

Hold up- tips? Isn't it weird that most everywhere requires tips now? I mean, I am benefiting from the tipping right now- but the whole concept of tipping me for giving someone what they ordered, is a bit odd I must admit. And when I see these tipping jars now, I feel obligated to give some of my prized quarters- which directly feed my starbucks addiction, to someone who is standing there yapping to their co-worker next to them while I cough annoyingly to get their attention. Obligation sucks.

Oh but the bakery's owner is my mom's friend and she's the sweetest lady ever...catered our wedding reception out here- just so generous. I like working there and work my buns off (ha ha ha, buns...bakery....my hilarity is astounding) ...and question why I'm in nursing when I get to watch beautiful tasty sweets being popped out of the oven every 5 minutes...and love every minute of it. Oh well, perhaps this could be a retirement aspiration?

ramblings

2006-07-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

I realize that I sound like a sap- most of the time. My last post was rather ummmmmm depressing? drab? dark? "philosopher-wanna-be." Sometimes I get that I way I guess- I think too much and try and make every thought universally applicable. or make everything into a metaphor. when you start calling life a "box of chocolates" I guess you should lay off for awhile on the thinking.

I just read Blue Like Jazz. Such a good book. Mainly because this guy thinks like I do- he's all over the map! I like books that make you think and question- what you believe, what you know, what you think. I guess perhaps I'm at that point in my life- as a Christian where my framework- my way of 'doing' needs to change. Not that my relationship with God is not there- although it seriously needs a tune up, not that I doubt God....or anything- just that the pad answers aren't working anymore.

I want a new way of being a Christian. Sounds hokey- sounds also like some Christian song that I can't think of right now...."new way to be human....?" Anyways- more like, I need to re-think the ways that I think about God and the ways I think about myself in relation to God. For example, Do I know that I am valuable in my "being" Shannon- without "doing" anything? Tough one.

Finals are over....next week. I am not going to make it. I can't seem to get the gusto for this last leg....UUUGH and I dread one of my finals. It involves talking to a mannequin- I kid you not. I get to "practice" doing things like inserting catheters into an "ambiguous" sexed mannequin while an examiner breathes down my neck. It's weird and uncomfortable- and I have to be graded while I "interact" with a non-responsive, wide-eyed, mouth-gaping plastic carcass. Weird. I know.

but on a cooler note- I saw a C-section...coolest thing ever! I was right there- front row seats, in the splatter zone!....I also saw a regular delivery. To describe it in 10 words or less: messy, outrageous, miraculous, tear-jerking, beautiful.....and completely incredible...how could anyone believe that there is no God? The miracle of birth alone is pretty convincing!

spiritual starvation

2006-06-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

hunger ravishes me. my faith, like a stomach, shrivels from lack of spiritual food. this hunger eats away my heart, and i am emaciated. that begger on a street, holding out her hand, asking for one morsel, one crumb to satisfy her- is me. i pretend to ignore the hunger. i detach myself from its pangs and hide behind a protection of pride and self-sufficiency. but false pretenses of being 'okay' are not enough to combat the hollowness. no discipline can fight it, no strength of my own can ignore it. then -there are moments when, standing in an open wood, light streaming through the trees, tears streaking down my face, I remember just how hungry i am for Him. i get a picture of this, my sorrowful existence without His love, and wish again to taste His presence in my life. and i long for Him. the hunger pangs become so strong, so real that i cannot ignore them anymore. starved, empty, hollow- will he satisfy? can He take one so thin, so weak from striving after food that does not satisfy, and fill her again? what suffering- this spiritual starvation. and yet i choose to suffer, starve, waste away rather than be filled with a love that fills and satisfies to the depths of me...will my flesh never die?

"Come, buy, and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good and your soul will delight in the richest of fare." isaiah 55:1-2

Words of Wisdom

2006-06-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

Not only is starbucks tasty- and my lifeline, but they also have excellent 'food for thought' quotes on their cups. Wow. Everything I need and more- in a cup!
"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating- in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."

Not sure about the loss of head part- but interesting nonetheless. Although, committment in relationships I can see having that great security and freedom more than say- committment to school work. How many days do I wander home, head full of knowledge and aching, and feeling constrained by the weight of a backpack and textbooks the size of a small child. Yuck- and then every free moment where I can breathe, and spend time 'living' I spend instead with a knotted stomach feeling guilty that I am not studying. Freeing? Hardly. (And I pay to endure this?)

Trainwreck

2006-06-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

It's like I'm standing on a railroad track, seeing the headlights coming towards me. The train is steaming full speed ahead...and I still just continue to stare at the lights, mesmorized. Funny, I don't feel panicked that I'm about to be hit by a train, only slighly amused. I laugh in it's face and think "I'm invisible, it won't hit me!" I know it's going to hit me, but yet I just can't seem to get my legs moving. Yup. I just sit on the train track awaiting my doom. That's what it's like at this point in the semester. I just see the deadlines looming ahead- midterms, papers, projects and I just look at the dates getting closer and closer. I kind of laugh. Amused. "Ha ha" I say- "I have tons of time. You can't hurt me!" And yet, I don't move any faster and the dates get closer. Yuck. Crunch time it is. I guess I will either panic and jump out of the way of disaster just in time, or be track-meat. Hm. I'll keep you posted on how it goes down.

The Big S-Tology

2006-05-31T22:52:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile. But how can one write without inspiration? Not that I come with much inspiration now...but some thoughts nonetheless. Jason and I borrowed an "About Scientology" video from the public library. It is basically a video of this huge gala event held at their Celebrity centre and the video is just the main guy speaking about what Scientology is and all the great things they're doing in the world.
Interesting.
Thought-provoking.
Frightening.
This prompted a time looking over the Scientology website and looking at the Christian response online to its claims. So...half of Christian bookstores are dedicated to books written all in response to the Da Vinci Code....but millions of people are joining Scientology churches, buying into their beliefs and we say nothing? Everything I read about them sent chills up my spine. Why? Simply because they have money, they have power and influence (due to those who subscribe to their beliefs), and what they believe in is extremely appealing and post modern in its desire to include all realms of thinking- philosophy, belief in "world peace," self-betterment and empowerment, social justice, push for unity, and basic intolerance for intolerance.

So when Christ says "I am the way, the truth, and the life and no one comes to the Father except through me," I sit there, mouth agape, realizing how truly counter-cultural and absolutely blaten that comment looks in light of the beliefs that dominate our culture. And then I realize what this means for us who believe what Christ said, with our lives. The world doesn't believe there is one way- in fact, my classes and classmates are fed the notion daily that all beliefs are right, acceptable, and there is no "one way." Yep. We get to look forward to a future of being called intolerant, naive, disrespectful, uneducated, and non-peace loving folks... which can only mean that we will be (and are increasingly so) the enemy of the post-modern thinking world. Should I be surprised? No. Do I dread it? Absolutely. But in some odd ways I welcome it.

But even though we KNOW that the world is heading this way, shouldn't we be paying more attention to this? I would not be surprised if this movement continued to snowball until....well a world government, a world belief system is formed of which Christians would be the main enemy.

I figure we should be more educated- I urge you to read about it. I encourage discussion on this matter- I'd like to know what you think about this subject (if any of you still read this post despite my huge delay)

where I've been

2006-05-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

Just so everyone knows- I'm still alive. Unfortunately my memory sort of had a temporary glitch and I "lost" my password data for awhile...I couldn't figure out how to get back into my own blog. These days with all my usernames and passwords- it's hard to keep track at times! More writings to come....I've just been away on a few trips...

The root of all evil: Pink?

2006-04-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

I hate to admit it, but the winds of change have arrived- in a mid-life-crisis sort of way. It all started with a pair of pink scrubs.

I came home, yes, it's true, with a pair of pink scrubs for nursing. Pink? Me? I hummed and hawed over every color- but orange and blue seemed institutional like a prisoner. And the patterns? They make me think sickly cutesy.

But then I saw pink.

At first glance I cast them off- pink scrubs? Eww, gross, disgusting- my enemy. Like a bad smell I wrinkled my nose and shuffled away. In my mind flashed everything that pink makes me think of: barbies, matching shirts and spandex pants, ditzy/prissy/snobby girls- or GAH the movie Legally Blonde (the pepto-bismol cover alone made me gag). Pink is everything about being a girl that I've spent my life trying to avoid. It embodies shopping, primping, fawning and giggling- pleck!

Yet... I looked back again at the pink scrubs. (Did I NOT read the story about Lot's wife and what happened when she looked back?) Then I did the unthinkable and kind of- well, shuffled a bit closer once more to the scrubs..and reached my hand towards the scrubs....SUDDENLY like a flash of lightening- the power of pink overcame me, I was swept up by my desire to own it, keep it, wear it. I watched myself pick up the pink scrubs and (the earth shook, the waters rose...) bought them (???) Somewhere in my psyche it made me feel like I had crossed the threshold of being a woman or something- like some landmark I was reaching. My first pink outfit. The world in a new color. Oh the wonder of pink- it's like I was hypnotized by the spell of it's magic.

But have I stopped at the scrubs?

Now I stop and gaze at pink flowers. I see pink things in store windows and get a smile on my face. Pink book covers draw my attention. What is happening to me?

Today, I practically stared at this little girl clad in her little pink jacket, pink shoes, pink hair clips, and matching pink hand bag. All I could think was how happy that color really is, and how cute she looked (do they have that in my size?) The sky is falling, pigs are flying, shannon is contemplating pink. (Let's hope this doesn't get too out of hand).

9 o'clock already????

2006-04-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

Bright eyed and bushy tailed? Hardly. I hate the mornings. Unless someone says "starbucks" I dig myself deeper into the sheets and make up any excuse to stay in bed. Jason is my perma-alarm clock and without him I would NEVER get up. Poor guy- has to poke me 5+ times each day and he gets a crabby "5 more minutes" every time.

Hmmm- I was studying for a nursing exam and some guy has some theory (studying is obviously going well) about 'stages of mourning.' I think I'll change it- 'stages of morning':

Stage 1: Denial/Shock
UUUUUGH. No freakin way. I just went to bed! No way- not going to happen. I was obviously over-ambitious.

-snooze button-

Stage 2: Anger
NO I am NOT getting up. I hate mornings, I hate them. Leave me alone. Did you actually just ask me a question? I can't think right now! I want to sleep. If that freakin alarm clock goes off one more freakin time....who put it on the country station????

-sb-

Stage 3: Bargaining
Just 5 more minutes? Come on- I'm SOO tired. I can get ready in 15 minutes I promise... I'll be super fast. Just 5 more minutes? Please?

-sb-

Stage 4: Depression
THIS SUCKS. I just want to stay in bed. Why can't I just sleep a little longer? Why am I in school anyways? Why do I have to go? Why me? I can't do it anymore. I'm so exhausted....my life suck...

-sb-

Stage 5: Acceptance (in a panicked sort of way)
OH MY GOSH I have 5 minutes to get ready- "Jason, why did you let me sleep in so long???" Where's my lunch? WHERE ARE MY KEYS? Did you take my keys? Where's my other shoe...??? I'm so late!

And so you see- this is what most days look like for me. I don't know when I became such a "non" morning person but the evidence stands. I should come with a warning label: "DANGER: Approaching, talking to, poking, scaring, or even remotely trying to relate to shannon before 10 am could cause bruising, broken limbs....or death."

What is passion anyways?

2006-04-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

So what does life look like without passion? Very grey. It is colorless in fact. It is frustrating and seemingly purposeless. That is how I'd describe my current state of "passionless" living. I find myself longing, yearning for the passion that I once had for God. Where did it go? How do I obtain passion again? Or did I ever have it? Hmmm but what IS passion? Interesting- isn't passion an emotion? Woah. What am I seeking here? Correction. I decided to look in the Bible as to where passion is listed. Interesting. It is used solely for describing "lusts" and other emotions of the flesh that are usually referred to in a negative context. (I scratch my head). So I looked up zeal. The difference with zeal is that it was considered positive in the Bible- associated with Phinehas and his ZEAL for the righteousness of God.....so what IS the difference between passion and zeal for the Lord? I read this guy's commentary and it's well worth the read. It's definitely got me thinking about what I'm pursuing and whom I should be pursuing instead...

If we take the Bible as authoritative, “Passion” (which translates as a Hebrew word literally meaning, “Passion”) is something with destructive effects on one’s life. End sentence; commence application. Application, naturally, is where the sticky bit comes in, since the word “passion” is a popular buzzword in Christian circles. And at first glance, there do seem to be a number of verses supporting the idea of “passion” as a Christian ideal: “Zeal for thy house has consumed me,” referring to Christ, or “Zealous for good works,” referring to all believers, and so forth. Those all say that passion is a good thing, right?

But if they do, we’ve got a problem. Allow that, and we play right into the hands of those skeptics who have been waiting to find a contradiction in the Bible, demonstrating logically that it can’t be true. Here’s the one they’ve been looking for: Proverbs 14:30 says that passion is something with a negative effect, whereas those other verses say that passion is something we should aspire to.

Or do they?

Actually, no. What the verses say is that zeal is something we should aspire to. There’s only a contradiction if zeal and passion are one and the same. Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary (10th edition, 1997) helpfully explains the difference:
Passion applies to an emotion that is deeply stirring or ungovernable "was a slave to his passions"… Zeal implies energetic and unflagging pursuit of an aim, or devotion to a cause "preaches with the zeal of the converted."
To paraphrase, “passion” is about intense emotions; “zeal” is about intense actions. They’re both intense, but they’re also both distinct. Zeal is described in Scripture as something generally positive, even something we are exhorted to have: “Therefore be zealous and repent” (Revelation 3:19). (This, of course, is provided that it is directed rightly; the Bible warns against “zeal without knowledge”, e.g. Romans 10:2.)

Passion, in sharp contradistinction, “is rottenness to the bones.” (proverbs 14:30) Why? Passion comes from the same Latin root as passive (and patient), which means you are being acted upon. (Hence also the alternate meaning of extreme suffering, typified in Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ—the suffering was caused by Jesus’ willingness to be acted upon by others.) In the most common usage, you are being acted upon by your emotions; when you are “passionate,” your feelings are controlling you. There’s the key to our verse: being acted upon by intense ungovernable emotions, according to Proverbs 14:30, will eat up your life from the inside out.

The only real remaining question, then, is why “passion” has been all but universally accepted as our Evangelical buzzword rather than “zeal,” which is at once more accurate and more Biblical. The answer, naturally enough, is I have no idea. But I can offer some observations:

I think it’s quite possible to draw a tactful distinction between people who have never given thought to the lexical question and thus say “passion” when they don’t mean that exactly, and people who do mean “passion” exactly. Thus, to go back to my controversial examples from last week, if you pressed the issue I’d say that the Passion Worship Band is probably (I suppose) using the word “passion” innocently, thinking that it means something different than it actually does in the Bible and the dictionary.

So, why is all this important? A better question might be, “Why is it not?” The way we use words reflects the way we think, and the way we think determines the way we act. If we use words carelessly, we think carelessly, and if we think carelessly, false doctrine is not far behind.

I like what he has to say. It questioned exactly what I was already questioning. Why am I pursuing passion? Yeah, perhaps I was really meaning zeal...but that's a pretty big error. I don't want a mere emotional experience with God! I want to be on my feet, running hard. I've had to ask- perhaps I want the "feeling" of God more than God Himself? Ouch. But how many years have I relied on emotions to determine how close I am to God? Ouch X2. I have a long road ahead.

death on a stick

2006-04-08T18:59:00.000-07:00

ugh. So I thought by being a nurse that meant I wouldn't get sick...ever....again. I feel so betrayed. hmph. Guess not. What happened? It was the last day of my clinical- the end of the semester in sight. A-L-M-O-S-T T-H-E-R-E.

Nope.

Nada.

It's like sickness awaits under my skin and then as soon as I have a free moment BAMM! I was slammed with the worst sickness I've had in like forever. It started with a fever, then it was the dizzy spells. Then the congestion so I sound like a man through the whole day, not just in the morning before my coffee... and now the coughing. (Have I lost a lung yet?) So tell me, how am I supposed to study for my 5 finals like this? Ugh. And today was our 6 month wedding anni!! Jason was so nice as to make all these plans for the day and shannon- with her kleenex, has been trying to tag along. Wobbling along on her feet, hair puffed up like I've been electrofied, bundled up like an eskimo, sucking back halls and gingerale. (I really scored a prince as a husband if he sees me like this and STILL says I'm beautiful...I don't get it!) You always forget what it's like to be sick until it happens again and every part of you goes "oh yeah, I remember now."

oh woe.

the begetting of my blog

2006-04-07T21:57:00.000-07:00

Sigh. I love my pocket Thesaurus. I could spend literally hours of my time just flipping to random words and end up laughing aloud. (Strange but true). Like, who knew that someone who is "crazy" could also be considered "barking mad?" Or that "schism" is actually a word? (How does that mean rebellion??) As you can see, HOURS of entertainment are in my lil' Thesaurus.

But then, other times I revel in the depth of meaning that is behind each word as seen in its' synonyms. Example? Creation. I love every form of that word- creative, create, creator....they all inspire me. Probably because every time I step outside my front door I am swept away again in the beauty of creation. So, lil-pocket-T, what do I find under Creation? "Genesis." How perfectly fitting. So it is what this blog will be called. My own little genesis. You can be sure my lil-pocket-T will be flipped open as I spew my endless thoughts (or shall we say, 'drivel') onto e-pages. And by endless, I do mean endless.

-for now